Archive for July, 2010

Street Fighter

Based on the ever-popular fight-em-up coin-op, this was always destined to please video game fans at the expense of any sort of decent plot. The film has every character possible from the original game, making for a confused storyline and lots of ad-hock fights. And I mean lots. Two things make this movie just about worth a watch are:

• Gomez out of the Adams Family fight Universal Soldier Jean Claude Van Damme.
• Kylie Minogue … oily (see above pic)

House of the Dead

The light gun version has always been a strong favourite of any arcade gamer. A lengthy co-operative stint was well worth a pocket of silver. But when German director Uwe Boll gets hold of a game-to-film, all hell breaks loose … or at least some tame zombies take over an island and chase a few teens. This man is the dark king of bad video game movies, and if you’re listening Boll, please don’t touch Gods of War or Pac-man Please.

Super Mario Bros

The highlight of Dennis Hopper playing a half man half lizard still doesn’t pull this one out from the trash can of the silver screen. A lacklustre storyline and the pairing of a Colombian (John Leguizamo) and a Brit (Bob Hoskins) playing two Italian plumbers from Brooklyn are only two of the things wrong with this picture. This was the first video game to become a movie and quite possibly should have been the last.

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider

Like Indiana Jones, but not as good, starring the lovely Angelina Jolie and Red Dwarfs Arnold Rimmer. I can never remember what happened in the end. Did she die? Oh no, sequel.

It was great to see Lara Croft in the flesh bouncing around brandishing her massive … guns.

Max Payne

A detective story involving a pharmaceutical miracle drug and some winged creatures from another dimension – think The Constant Gardener after having a frontal lobotomy. Truly great game but the picture surely didn’t deserve the $85 million it grossed worldwide… unlike Sex & the City 2 which truly deserved every one of them $280 million dollars. For real.

Mortal Combat

Another fight-em-up-come-movie transformation. Casting Christopher Lambert as Lord Rayden was quite perfect, but little else was. The movie sets looked like a bunch of ten-year-olds had had crafted them at summer camp, the dialogue was full of cheesy one-liners and every character had to summersault off a wall at least twice. Please don’t make another one. Oh, wait … you have already.

Hitman

Timothy Olyphant showing his full range of two facial expressions on the run from a checkout lady shouting ‘Come back, I just need to scan you!’.Slick at times, but worked a hell of a lot better as a video game. Surprisingly, as most video games do.

Doom

Doom remains today as one of, if not the most, influential first-person shoot-em-ups ever. “So let’s make it into a movie!” echoed the hills of Hollywood. “Great idea! But first let’s make a list of essentials…”

• Pro-wrestler turned screen icon The Rock, check!
• Completely over the top guns and monsters, check!
• Nauseating stretches with a handheld camera to mimic the successful Blair Witch Project, check!

Double Dragon

You may have thought that after the success of Super Mario Bros that the movie executives would have gone back to making orange juice adverts and Seinfeld scripts. But no,

Double Dragon is a game featuring two Asian twin brothers that kick ass in a big way.

It got turned into a film featuring two American dudes that kick ass in an even bigger way. One of them is called Lee to give it an oriental twist. Do not watch this.

Alone in the Dark

From the picture above a keen eye could spot the difference between Christian Slater and an out of work Star Trek monster from 1994. Personally, I’m still torn. This film lacks any sort of plot or direction and Tara Reids acting is like …well, Tara Reid. It got a measly 1% from Rotten Tomatoes and rightly so. (Bullet-proof vests with muscles on them are damn cool however…)

I’ve watched the Channel 4 programme, Deal or No Deal a number of times, mostly when I’m waking up at 5pm on Saturday after a Friday night on the tiles. With the taste of cheap kebab still on my tonsils I watch the uber groomed, part TV presenter part toy bear, smoothly tone over his randomly knitted jumpers.

Don’t ask me what the game is about, but it is perfect for a hangover, it’s as if a Zen master had created the perfect vibrations for the brain by designing TV show to the specifications of Bhuddah himself.

Deal or no Deal makes no sense, but then that’s the point. If it did, you would have to think about it, to follow it, to laugh and cry with the contestents. But, because it exists on the shadows of conscious brain, it allows itself to waft over the sharp parts left over from an hangover and smooth them down.

The Flash Game is similar, there are no tactics, no strategy, it simply forces you not to think. Trying to influence the outcome would be like trying to balance one grain of sand on another.

It forces you to empty the mind, and as we learned from the Karate Kid, that can be a good thing.

One redeeming feature of the free Flash game, actually it’s two. Is that Noel Edmonds is not in it and the other is you can’t get Flash on the iPhone.

Has Steve Jobs even seen Deal or no Deal, makes you wonder.

Play the game, and I challenge you to have a single useful though whilst you do.

We all love computer games and some of us are even defined by them! There are a few however, who take it too far and become obsessed and play no part in wider society-  the fanboys!  Fanboys like to think they know it all when it comes to games, however the truth is that they have developed an unhealthy obsession with a specific game or platform. Here are 20 of the most dedicated (and weird) fanboys out there, enjoy!

1. 1990’s Nintendo Fan Boy

Nintendo’s were cool in the 1990’s and remain so today, however this handmade contraption is too much. Almost as bad as those shorts he’s sporting!

2.  Modern Nintendo Fanboy

Ok, you’ve lost the shorts, well done….but what’s this? Robot arms…yes just what the ladies love in a guy! (along with a double chin)

3. Guitar Hero Fanboy

Now, I am a massive fan of guitar hero and have spent many hours failing to play it, however a tattoo? What are planning to  do for Dj hero, get a set of deck’s burnt on their back?

4. Chubby Fanboy

There are many things wrong with this picture, but the thing that sticks out for me is the pudding bowl hair cut, I can’t take my eyes off it! Perhaps it’s because everything else is too horrific!

5. Street Fighter Fanboy

What is it with tattoo’s a fan boys? When I saw street fighter the movie it was so bad it etched into my memory, this guy has taken it to another level. Also why Ryu? Surely Chung Li no?

6. Fanboy Frat House

A of Sigma Phi Epsilon decided to turn their quarters into a shrine of everything Nintendo, I love the duck hunt gun! These guys clearly had a lot of time on their hands and no frat parties, imagine what the jocks would do to this place!

7. Tron Fanboy

The Subtitle says it all! If you’re going to do this, stick a sock or something down there to give you more..package!

8. Fanboy Scarification

Scarification is fucked up, but to cut a Nintendo controller into your arm takes a special kinda guy. What’s next? Cut an Atari logo into your chin?

9. Randy Fanboy

Ever since I’ve seen this image I haven’t been able to sleep, or play with my DS. Wrong!

10. Cuddly Toy Fanboy

This is seriously cool, until you think how long it’s taken them to build this collection and how much money they’ve spent. You could probably buy a car or even a house, but ah no you have to spend your life collecting children’s toys!

11. Car Fanboy

This has to be one of the most pointless car mods I’ve ever seen, it would be seriously  uncool when it melts all over your engine and stinks! Also most people never get to see it it so……. what’s the point? Too far!

12. Bath Fanboy

Ok you’re sat at home with your mate and a load of Nintendo cartridges, what goes through your head? Anything but this surely, I reckon this is a result of a lost bet! Either that or they just really like Nintendo

13. Pacman Fanboy

This pacman inspired tattoo, must have been a pain in the ass! His wife must have been pissed off when he unveiled this in the bedroom!

14. PS3 Grill Fanboy

This is really cool, I love my PS3 and sausages, but this is too far, what happens to all the grease?

15. Microsoft Hater Fanboy

I have a playstation and the xbox 360 sucks, but if I were walking by the Microsoft head office I wouldn’t think of it as a free toilet! Too far Fanboy!!!

16. Tekken Fanboy

So you’re a fan of Tekken, aren’t we all, but to do this to a car is sacrilege. I hope this guy doesn’t have kids, could you imagine being picked up from school in this? Not cool.

17. Another Mario Fanboy

Seriously? At what point do you think “I really like Mario Bros, why not get my entire back tattooed?” What happens if you don’t like it? Or if you suddenly fall in love with Sonic the hedgehog?

18. Wii Fanboy

Ok, I love my wii, I do but would I dress as three consoles? No, why? I actually like talking to girls!

19. Mario Bros Fanboy

This tattoo must have really hurt, how would you walk afterwards? Imagine walking across your hall for a pee the day after. Absolute madness!

20.  Tetris Fanboy

I would hate having this tattoo, seeing Tetris and never being able to complete it! It’s like having a rubix cube glued in the wrong position!